Trapped!

For a long time now, I have felt trapped inside a child's body. I haven't seem or done half of the things that other children have done, but I have done much more adultwise than many of my peers. Now it seems that I am subconsciously trying to make up for my lost childhood because I will admit that I grew up very quickly. Oh I don't know, I want to be better socially and I want to act more mature, but I need to find out what is limiting me from achieving this. Is it myself? Is my sour view of my life and it direction affecting my performance? Iss it jsut making up for lost childhood time? In school, I automatically do stupid things, things that kids would do, and I don't even realize it until others are backing away from me. I say stupid things, I do stupid things, I don't even know who I am anymore. What happened to the perfect little kid from a country town in Midwest New York? Is it other people? I just feel like I don't fit in at my school because of all the things I don't know about like bands and sports and such.

I have also set very clear ground rules for myself about girls, guys, dating, relationships, closeness, and if its appropriate or not. Some of my best friends are girls, but it doesn't mean that I am sexually attracted to them. I have NO relationship drive whatsoever and I think that puts a mighty rift between me and my classmates. Each day I find that more and more of the people that I thought were respectable being caught in the evil, society-set-up trap of worldly relations and how you have to have one.

Conclusions/Admitting: The problem is, that no one else notices or seems to think like this. Am I that weird? Awkward? Why does no one else see what I see? Why does no one else seem to envision societies traps of worldly possessions? I have fallen into these traps myself and cannot seem to get out of them. Its as if climbing up a wall treadmill. I keep falling further and further. I believe myself that this is due to my extreme lack in belief in myself. Is this mindset that I have the reason why I hate myself. My greatest fear is that I am mentally disabled, crazy, hallucinating, but constantly. I just feel....trapped.