Joking/Friends

I have many things to admit to myself, to my journal, and to many of the people who I call my friends. For right now, I have chosen my incessant joking as a serious subject. In actuality, and this is something that I am admitting to myself more than you readers, my jokes and random personality have been conjured by myself over the past few years to try and cover up hurting, denial, and my natural social catastrophe. I "joke" way too much and I am slowly realizing that it is a backdrop for whatever emotions I am feeling. I think I have hurt many people with my jokes and I'm trying to make a list to apologize to each of them. I want this to be a turning point for me in that I wont be hurtful in my sarcastic-nes. To those people that I consider my close friends, I have so many apologies to make its overwhelming. I haven't been a very good friend, but now I don't even think I know what a good friend is like. All I know is that I'm not one of them. 

I am thinking that I also need to try to tear down this facade to my best friends. I actuality, I am a shy, serious, not-talking -to-anyone person. Yet I have forced myself to make a mask of an outgoing, joking, carefree, never-serious-fellow at my school. One thing that is really tough is trying to be hyper all the time around friends. At Matt's and Yoski's house along with school I feel like I have to be in character of a hyper, always-talking personality. In the future, I am going to try and change that because I believe that adds to my persona of "little child." And that's not something I want to be stuck to for the rest of my life.

Conclusion: I cannot help but feel that my true self is fading and the facade is taking its place. I am losing everything that is truly means to be me. How I am going to change that, I do not quite know, but I plan on giving it a ton of thought.