Just Me & My Thoughts

I'm a crazy dreamed and sometimes I can't help but wondering, about days gone by. The extensive history that we read about in history books and are taught and tested on in school. Could you  imagine what it would be like to walk with extinct animals or view them from afar, or to live in fear of them. Not living in fear of our fellow man or gossiping or attacking each other verbally or physically, but to be united under a fear of a predator or to bravely challenge a Tyrannosaurus Rex with today's enemies as our allies, to trust them with your very lives, to charge the beast with them at your back. All with the same goal. You read in stories how humans band together friendships and love and brotherhood is formed because of one enemy. As Trufflehunter the Badger says in Prince Caspian, "A common enemy unites even the oldest of foes." And its so true! Tales are told, fantasies, of people overthrowing a government, a tyrant, or a dragon by working together. But then comes the triumph, and immediately follows is the downfall. The Avengers unite to defeat Loki, The Narnians fight against The White Witch and then the Talmarines, Aragorn and the fellowship and all the humans and elves and dwarves unite to defeat the mighty Sauron, but how long do you really think the peace and friendships last until disagreements and petty arguments and old grudges are dredged back up and divide them again?

If you get to know me, you'll find I'm a very nostalgic person. I care deeply for things of the past and days gone by and memories that are forgotten and the opportunities that slip through our fingers. Even animals. May be insignificant to some, but what would the world be like without the beauty or...uniqueness of these animals. Of the funny, rolling, munching Panda or the ferocity and defensiveness of the snow leopards. You read stories of fantasy where entire races are extinct or forgotten, history and knowledge is lost in battles or wars because two sides cant get over their differences and have to ruin these things. And thats where I fall apart. Those races or events or people or buildings will be lost forever. Never cataloged or depicted in art. Even our own Declaration of Independence is fading, slipping out of our fingers. Yes we have the words, but the actual thing, the actual piece of paper that was signed by all those men is fading to nothing and will soon be gone. The smell of 1776 in Independence Hall that lingers on the page is already gone and soon we will have nothing but stories. And isnt that all the history is? Stories? We don't have the actual Ark of the Covenent. We cant ever see David slay Goliath again. We can relive the Romans building their empire. We can't feel the fear of the Jews, we can't feel the weight of the decisions made by the Pharaoh Akenatan to move the capital of Egypt. It's just gone. Everything.

I am failing in school because I don't see its importance. School is not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. I feel like I was born in the wrong era because of my eyes. I was made for more, I was made to see more than just this. To quote Santa from Rise of the Guardians (Fantastic movie) "Eyes very big because they are full...of wonder. I see the lights in the trees, the magic in the air, and thats what I put back into the world." I'm failing in school because my head and my heart are focused on other things. Things of fantasy, things in the days of knights and kings, of castles and villages, of stories of make believe worlds that aren't that far off from the early days of our world. Can you imagine, just close your eyes and imagine, if you could see the dinosaur's, to hear the screech of a Pterodactyl, to live among lions in the days of the Garden of Eden? To name each living thing? Can you even comprehend that? Can you see how you would name a skunk if it walked up to you or a giant leathery elephant, or the long tongued anteater? Do you see how you would say to yourself, its eating ants so i name it an anteater? But how would you know to name the small, strong, black bug an ant? As you can see, I'm failing school because my head is not here.

I dream of the past, I dream of grandeur where we weren't focused on money or bitterness or technology, or apps or computer videos or sports even. I dream of when we focused on working in the fields to gather a harvest, or when the entire town would come together as complete equals to take part in raising a barn for a family in need, or hunting to feed you family, or loving, winning the heart of someone you really cared for and not living in the shadow of a 51% divorce rate. How far we have fallen today. And its because we live in a time of peace, of laziness, a world where everything is done, packaged, and shipped for us. Where we focus on digital things, and work, and money more than we focus on our children, or friends, or family. Can you tell me what was more important then family 100, 200, or 500 years ago? Nothing! Your family, though you may quarrel and get under each others skin, was the most important thing at the end of the day. Now we see so many broken families, struggling marriages, orphaned children, irresponsible, arrogant, drunk, high, depressed teens. And we wonder why suicides are so common? I have a friend who was devastated for most of this last year because his brother committed suicide. Do any of you really think this would be happening in a world where we worked, and had responsibilities and were raised to respect our parents, and were taught by loving, but strict fathers who actually cared about his children? To just put it out there, the amount of good, caring, responsible fathers is dangerously low.

That's why I have convinced myself that I'm never going to be a father, never going to raise kids, because I don't know what I'd do. I've just recently realized this, but I am scared, no, terrified, that I'm going to end up just like my dad. High, drunk, abusive, delirious, irresponsible  and finally imprisoned, passing along the same situation to my kids of confusion and misdirection. Lucky for me, I have my mom who doesn't do the best all the time, but is strong and decisive and does the best she can with what she's been given. Even with her awesomeness, its difficult, honestly, and I'm glad no one I know is reading this blog anymore because this would be really embarrassing to be confronted about, but I don't know whats going on. I don't know anything about growing up, about relationships, about how to interact socially, even something as simply as getting a job, driving a car, Hell, I had to figure out how to SHAVE!! So if your reading this, I hope this has an impact on you. Let the little things go! Don't be sucked in by drugs, sex, alcohol, because I know every one of you has the strength to resist it. You just need a motivator! If theirs one thing I could tell all the drunk or high dads or moms of the world right now it would be to get off their ***es and take care of their kids! My dad being how he is has screwed me up in ways I could never express, but going back to my original point. DO YOU REALLY THINK THIS STUFF WOULD HAPPEN SO MUCH BACK A COUPLE CENTURIES AGO???

I don't know if that's what motivates me to thinks this way or not. I just don't know, but this is what I think about non the less. What would it have been like to live back then, what would the people I know be like if we lived as peasants? Would I even be here if dinosaurs still existed or would I be dead or not even born? I was made to see wonder, but there's just not much of it to see. You see people in a hurry, people depressed, people without a home, people without hope, people without friends, people cast off by society. But I've also realized that I'm no different. I don't claim to be perfect. I get up every morning and put on my family mask, then I go to school and put on a TOTALLY different mask. Then back at home while we're moving a friend from somewhere else comes over to help and I put on another mask. In all honesty, if people knew who I really was, they'd be scared. They'd would be honest to goodness scared. I'm not a nice guy. I may try to look like I've got it all together, but I am a wreck and if my friends like Matt or Sarah or Gavin even glimpsed what was really going through my head. They would RUN. I can't see anything. I don't see anything good anymore, anything worth seeing. I used to when I was younger. I was full of wonder then. When I lived in a small town and everyone knew each other and church was on Sundays and we'd meet in a huge barn for Thursday night Bible Study and when all the kids would go rake leaves at this older gentleman's house who lived down the street in the fall. When I would watch the sunsets from our attic and sit by the backyard fireplace at night watching the bright crackling tendrils leaping up into the black sky. When my dad was still my dad, but slowly slipping into darkness, so early in the process that I didn''t realize it. When he would light our huge oil drum that we filled with trash and it would burst into a big fireball shooting into the sky. When we would collect chestnuts from our chestnut tree and I would cut my hands on the spiky shells. When we would dig through 5-6 feet snow drifts in our backyard or when we would throw rocks up at a huge pillar of ice that would form off our roof in the winter. It was so much simpler. We would actually help my mom grind grain and make fresh bread. But now, only 6 years or so later in the big city there's so much more to do or see...and I just don't see it. And that scares me... Now I find myself labeled a dreamer, wishful for the days where cloths were plain, families were strong, friends were brothers and sisters, and love  was truly, till death do us part. Not till it stops being easy, but till we die and go to our eternal rest. If we could all just get along, set aside technology and money and cars and go back to helping each other, growing our food, and working together. And if it takes all of us being under a bad king or tyrannical ruler. I say so be it, if it unites us. I'd love to know exactly what caused this, all of this. Is it just our mentality? Are we being selfish, thinking only about what can benefit us? Maybe. I just don't know. All I know, is that we've taken a left turn down the wrong lane. Was it when we started taking God out of everything? Many Christians would argue that, but I wont, because I believe that we can live in harmony without everyone having to agree on one religion. I just don't know, I don't see, and it's messing with my head.

SO as you see from the title, these are just my thoughts. You can agree or disagree. I don't care, as you will probably agree from reading this, I was born in the wrong times... and its made me think like this. If you think I'm crazy...good, because its the ideas that seemed crazy at first that change the world. And I hope that by me writing this, it causes at least one person to start thinking and react to it. Now it might be a reaction to be a better parent, or a resolve to change the world. I don't know, I'm just the crazy dreamer...remember?